Dear Me,
In 20 years from now, those people that you've been picking over your family will not matter the way you think they matter now. You think that your friends are the most important people in the world, and you are wrong. In fact, that same group of friends will become distant acquaintances that you only know through social media or the yearly Christmas card. It won't be a bad thing; in fact it will be a wonderful memory full of lessons and good thoughts. After college, most will disappear and you will be forced to reevaluate what is important in your life. There are a few friends that will stay; there will be some pretty harsh lessons you'll learn from the ones that don't. In the end, you'll be stronger because of the crap that others put you through. It's called resiliency. You'll learn all about it soon.
You should save your money. One day, there will be three people that you will meet that will change your life and rock your world. They need you to start being a little more responsible with your resources, including all that cash you are spending on pizza and beer with friends. Not to say that you will change that much, I mean, that cute top at the mall will still tug at your heart strings. But, you'll realize that 6th grade camp is a much better use of resources than a dress that will end up being donated to AmVets after a few short weeks.
You'll have people come and go over the years. Your sister will always be there. She will drive you crazy sometimes. She will be honest about everything. She'll bite her tongue once in a while to spare you. She will have your back. She and NoNeck will gift you the four most beautiful and precious people. And your heart will learn to love even more.
You will learn what evil looks like and you'll have to rely on your faith in God to get you through all the heartache. I promise this: listen to your heart. It will speak softly and honesty. It will be easy to ignore because there will be lots of devils whispering the things you want to hear. But your heart will know the truth.
God will grant you angels. It will hurt to get them and a lot of that pain will never fully go away. But you will learn that your angels will stay with you through thick and thin. They too will whisper the truths you need to hear. They will provide a safe and calm place to retreat when the world becomes too much to handle. Make sure to quiet yourself so you can hear them. If you stop long enough to bite your tongue and open your ears, you can achieve the clarity that you will lack for so many years.
You will have true friends. They will make you laugh. You'll find them so don't worry about letting the ones you have go. There is something wonderful and liberating when you have a group of friends that don't come attached with drama. Your circle of trusted friends will get smaller and smaller until one day you realize that there are really only a few special people that have your best interests at heart. They are the people that guide on a path to love. It will be damn hard, but you must let go of a little bit of anger so you can open yourself to trusting again. The benefits from trusting a small group of true friends will be more than enough to raise you up from any dark place.
Education is your job now and it will continue to play a huge part in the woman you are on your way to becoming. Stop blowing off classes for parties and friends. Start reading the books for the purpose of learning, not just so you can increase the likelihood that you'll guess right answer on the multiple choice test at the end of the month. This small sliver of your reality depends so much on how you treat school and how you make decisions when it comes to education.
Try a lot of different things. I know you (because I am you) and I am certain that you are just a little bit of a chicken when it comes to getting out of your safe circle. Take a leap of blind faith, get on an airplane, and go see the world. You will still be able to do it later (and you will, trust me) but it is easier to travel alone when there are no other people that are depending on you.
By the way, you have it wrong when you say that school is "so hard!" and that you are "so tired!" from studying and working and balancing friends. You have NO.REAL.IDEA. But you will. Your epiphany will hit you one silent, lonely night in July when you have not showered in 3 days, your shirt is crusty from dried breast milk, and a 10 pound butter ball turkey shaped baby is screaming bloody murder because... well, heck, you can just dance and sing, and rock, and cry along and I'm sure he will *eventually* tell you what he needs or just fall asleep again too. He won't care that you have a master's class at 7 :00 am and your husband is working graveyards. That turkey just wants to babble and play and talk and eat and cry and snuggle and stare and spit... without a care in the world that it is 3:00 a.m.
Your family will become your entire life. Hold the kids tightly, especially when they are little. They will grow up too fast and so will you. Kiss them every night and tell them you love them everyday. While you're at it, tell all the people that support you (true support) that you love them. Put your pager or cell phone or whatever down, look at the people that you hold close. Look them in the eyes and talk story till you're both crying or both laughing.
You're going to be fine. Even when you don't have money to pay utilities. Even when you move out and realize that you can't even fry an egg or make a pot of rice. It will hurt the first time that your heart is broken, but you will heal. I promise. I know. Just stay true to the morals and ethics you have already begun to establish. Cheating, lying, deceiving... it isn't who you are now and you will not turn into those things either.
The two things I'd love for you to take away from this are:
1) Take time to listen and talk less. You will find truth and peace through following the path in your heart. But you can't hear the path if you're too busy talking about frivolous things.
2) You are going to be given a beautiful family. They will become the center of your universe. Don't make choices that will affect your family in a negative way. Yes, there will be mistakes made, but the key to minimizing those circumstances is to always, always, always, always keep FAMILY at the forefront of thoughts and actions.
You'll be fine, kid. I'm the proof.
ME
An after thought-
In writing this, I realize that it isn't too late for me (or you, or whatever... you get it) to start living again. So the goal for me is to be able to look back at this letter in another 20 years and know that I took my own advice. I'll start here. I'll bite my tongue, or rather pierce it. It will remind me to speak less and open my heart. Then, I will listen to what Ria wants to tell me.
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